I have been feeling very, ...everything lately. Mostly full of love, full of tentative fear.
You are my heart. One of you is growing under my heart and the other has grown in it since her 9th birthday. I have hopes and dreams for you, both of you. I can't seem to distinguish the type of love i have for each of you, some people feel i should. But you are my daughters. I fear for you, I rejoice in joy, I love you.
Fifteen years separates the 2 of you.
I am praying for both of you. I am praying for both of your husbands. I am praying for your future children.
I look into the eyes of my eldest daughter and pray that she realizes how much worth she has, and how much worth her sister will put into her opinions. You my dear are the spinner of the world to your little sister. I know you might not believe me, but please trust that I know this. My eldest brother was the one who hung the moon, and stars, and my middle brother was the one who kept them spinning. As the baby sister myself I know how much influence you will have on her, and it will at times (most times) be much greater than the influence I have.
Your choices firstborn will shape your sister. Your choices will be her consequences. Who you date, how you date, when you date, and why you date, will all influence your sister. The mistakes you make, and how you rebound and recover from them will show her how she should also react. You are so very important to her.
Your choices dear second born will shape your sister. Your choices will be her consequences, she will see her past in your present. She will want to protect you from the choices you are making, but you will still make your own choices. Try not to be to defiantly individualized, be your own person, and make your own mistakes, but don't make them just to spite her. You are so important to your sister.
You are both so loved, you both are my world. there is no distinguishing between that love. You are my daughters.
Love each other, support each other, there is nothing greater than the bond of loved siblings. Be there for each other, be supportive, be present, be loving in the hard moments.
I love you, with my whole heart, with all the moon and all the stars.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Thursday, June 1, 2017
Plus Size and Pregnant
It has taken me eight weeks to write this, and that is because it still does not feel real.
I am pregnant. I AmyRenee am pregnant. No matter how many times I say it out loud it still doesn't feel real.
I say this because I am certain I can not be the only one, even though I feel like I am the only one. By the 13th week (which is where we are now) most women are showing, they have a cute little bump. But I am a plus-size woman...I have had a jiggly little bump for as long as I can remember.
I was lucky enough to not have morning sickness, which has only added to the disbelief. I have had 2 ultrasounds, which show this amazing little baby. I've seen dozens of ultrasounds from my friends over the years, perhaps that's why I still can't wrap my head around it, perhaps internally I feel like I am looking at someone else's ultrasound.
I have waited 35 years to experience this, I found out I was pregnant on my 35th birthday. Prior to that day I had been told for over 10 years I simply would not have children on my own. I had put that in a tidy little box in the back of my mind, not to be opened until I was married and trying. I did not get married until I was 32 years old, past my twenties...the prime time to carry a baby. My husband and I tried for over a year. But no baby. I tracked, I tracked my period, I tracked my ovulation, I tracked my temperature, I tracked my weight, I tracked my meals, I tracked our love life. But none of the tracking produced results. I was still barren. I mourned. And then I accepted it. I accepted the fact I would not be a mother, I would just be an awesome step mom. I had a month where I did not weep when that time of the month came and went, I accepted it. Then as they always say the unexpected happened. I was late, and my body felt different.
I hollered at my husband from the bathroom to please come tell me if this is what I was actually seeing. I took a test everyday for over a week, (sometimes twice a day) I held on to the ultrasound that we were given during the 5th week for a while. It made me teary. But then it went away.
I should be ecstatic, and I am on a level.
But as a plus-size woman, I do not look pregnant. I will not look pregnant for a very long time. As my cute smaller sized friends who are due around the same time as me post their wonderful bump pictures. I feel in disbelief. I do not have a bump, I have a jelly roll.
I am a plus-size pregnant woman. I am 13 weeks pregnant. I wish I was a cute pregnant girl, but I just look like a regular ole fat girl. I want to believe it.
Maybe once Baby J kicks, I will actually feel pregnant.
I am pregnant. I AmyRenee am pregnant. No matter how many times I say it out loud it still doesn't feel real.
I say this because I am certain I can not be the only one, even though I feel like I am the only one. By the 13th week (which is where we are now) most women are showing, they have a cute little bump. But I am a plus-size woman...I have had a jiggly little bump for as long as I can remember.
I was lucky enough to not have morning sickness, which has only added to the disbelief. I have had 2 ultrasounds, which show this amazing little baby. I've seen dozens of ultrasounds from my friends over the years, perhaps that's why I still can't wrap my head around it, perhaps internally I feel like I am looking at someone else's ultrasound.
I have waited 35 years to experience this, I found out I was pregnant on my 35th birthday. Prior to that day I had been told for over 10 years I simply would not have children on my own. I had put that in a tidy little box in the back of my mind, not to be opened until I was married and trying. I did not get married until I was 32 years old, past my twenties...the prime time to carry a baby. My husband and I tried for over a year. But no baby. I tracked, I tracked my period, I tracked my ovulation, I tracked my temperature, I tracked my weight, I tracked my meals, I tracked our love life. But none of the tracking produced results. I was still barren. I mourned. And then I accepted it. I accepted the fact I would not be a mother, I would just be an awesome step mom. I had a month where I did not weep when that time of the month came and went, I accepted it. Then as they always say the unexpected happened. I was late, and my body felt different.
I hollered at my husband from the bathroom to please come tell me if this is what I was actually seeing. I took a test everyday for over a week, (sometimes twice a day) I held on to the ultrasound that we were given during the 5th week for a while. It made me teary. But then it went away.
I should be ecstatic, and I am on a level.
But as a plus-size woman, I do not look pregnant. I will not look pregnant for a very long time. As my cute smaller sized friends who are due around the same time as me post their wonderful bump pictures. I feel in disbelief. I do not have a bump, I have a jelly roll.
I am a plus-size pregnant woman. I am 13 weeks pregnant. I wish I was a cute pregnant girl, but I just look like a regular ole fat girl. I want to believe it.
Maybe once Baby J kicks, I will actually feel pregnant.
So this is 30 and single
Hello, Im AmyRenee I am 32 years old. In many ways I am going on 85, and in many
Love, its the greatest of these.
With the passing of the 14th of February I thought I would do the obligatory post on Love.
So here is one for the single ladies, and fellas. I am not going to tell you that you will find love when you are least expecting it, I am not going to tell you to try harder, no those things aren't going to help you. But this might. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18" Oh I know some of you are not brokenhearted, you are perfectly happy in your singleness. But I do know for myself this "week of love and lovers" can crush your spirit. And this is my insight into that.
Here is a story about how AmyReneé found her peace. For years growing up I dreamed of that day I would fall in love. I think that day happened somewhere around 8, when i began reading novels. Yes I read novels at a young age, I read Little Women and identified with Jo, I too was tomboyish. I read the Little House books and dreamed of being in the frontier. I read the Anne of Green Gables books and wanted so much to have red hair and freckles. I fell in love with these awkward women characters who some how found love in their brokenness. I wanted nothing more than to find my Laurie, My Professor Bhaer, Manly (Almanzo), and the epitome of man Gilbert Blythe. I was very much a girl in her own head.
As I entered high school and the prospect of dating, I still had those same ideals. One of my favorite stories to tell on myself is about a guy, who we will refer to as "skunk boy" that is after all the code name my closest friends and i gave him in high school. This guy knew me, but had no idea who i was. But in my minds eye we were going to have the perfect relationship. I prayed about it at least a million times. He ended up dating 3 or 4 of my friends, and recently i saw him on facebook through a mutual friend I sent him a message and 15 years later the truth of the matter came crashing down. He didn't even remember who i was. Although my 30 year old heart cracked a little, remembering how i pined for him. It also realized a truth of that pining. You see I prayed so hard for this fella, and God told me to wait. I know now that God was protecting me from the heartbreaks of highschool, I never went on one single date all through highschool. I never had to deal with a boy pressuring my horomonally charged teenage body to do something i would regret, because I was praying for this boy. The boy with the red hair and green eyes.
After highschool, things didn't change much. I had grown to assume that guys just didn't really see me as that girl. My best friends and I hung out with a group of single guys and they all paired off into different pairs, almost rotating pairs and some how i didnt fit into that rotation. I had a few things i knew i wanted out of a guy and things i just didnt want. one of them was I didnt want to date a guy I worked with because i had already seen WAY too much workplace drama from people breaking up and then dating someone else in the same workplace pool.
So here we are age 20 and we are at my first date. Im not sure which is better the how we got there, the happening or the how we left it. For the intents of this post we will go with the begining. I had a small group of friends at work, and was by no means a social creature but had a few friends over once or twice to my place. They were guys who had girlfriends, and their girl friends came too. Some time after that one of the guys who i had always thought was adorable but never thought would notice me, asked me when we were going to go out on a date. This was common practice we joked all the time back and forth, Id ask him and hed say when his girlfriend was ok with it, and hed ask me and id say oh when you get rid of that pesky girlfriend. It was all in good fun to break the tension in those high stress restaurant days. Well on this particular day when he asked and i answered the typical "when you get rid of that pesky girlfriend" he retorted, "I got rid of her last week so when are we going out?" I stopped dead in my tracks and said the only thing i knew to say, "oh well i dont date boys i work with" Just an automatic response. he laughed and we carried on with our night. roughly 2 weeks later he asked me again and i laughed and said again i dont date boys i work with, to which he replied I know, and fridays my last day so are you free on Saturday. My jaw dropped, I couldnt believe it, I said back well i dont date guys who dont have jobs and he smiled and said, yea I know thats why I lined up a job before I put in my notice. I had no more, reasons to say no. So I said yes. There was the begining of the bar being raised. A boy quit his job to date me.
Here is a story about how AmyReneé found her peace. For years growing up I dreamed of that day I would fall in love. I think that day happened somewhere around 8, when i began reading novels. Yes I read novels at a young age, I read Little Women and identified with Jo, I too was tomboyish. I read the Little House books and dreamed of being in the frontier. I read the Anne of Green Gables books and wanted so much to have red hair and freckles. I fell in love with these awkward women characters who some how found love in their brokenness. I wanted nothing more than to find my Laurie, My Professor Bhaer, Manly (Almanzo), and the epitome of man Gilbert Blythe. I was very much a girl in her own head.
As I entered high school and the prospect of dating, I still had those same ideals. One of my favorite stories to tell on myself is about a guy, who we will refer to as "skunk boy" that is after all the code name my closest friends and i gave him in high school. This guy knew me, but had no idea who i was. But in my minds eye we were going to have the perfect relationship. I prayed about it at least a million times. He ended up dating 3 or 4 of my friends, and recently i saw him on facebook through a mutual friend I sent him a message and 15 years later the truth of the matter came crashing down. He didn't even remember who i was. Although my 30 year old heart cracked a little, remembering how i pined for him. It also realized a truth of that pining. You see I prayed so hard for this fella, and God told me to wait. I know now that God was protecting me from the heartbreaks of highschool, I never went on one single date all through highschool. I never had to deal with a boy pressuring my horomonally charged teenage body to do something i would regret, because I was praying for this boy. The boy with the red hair and green eyes.
After highschool, things didn't change much. I had grown to assume that guys just didn't really see me as that girl. My best friends and I hung out with a group of single guys and they all paired off into different pairs, almost rotating pairs and some how i didnt fit into that rotation. I had a few things i knew i wanted out of a guy and things i just didnt want. one of them was I didnt want to date a guy I worked with because i had already seen WAY too much workplace drama from people breaking up and then dating someone else in the same workplace pool.
So here we are age 20 and we are at my first date. Im not sure which is better the how we got there, the happening or the how we left it. For the intents of this post we will go with the begining. I had a small group of friends at work, and was by no means a social creature but had a few friends over once or twice to my place. They were guys who had girlfriends, and their girl friends came too. Some time after that one of the guys who i had always thought was adorable but never thought would notice me, asked me when we were going to go out on a date. This was common practice we joked all the time back and forth, Id ask him and hed say when his girlfriend was ok with it, and hed ask me and id say oh when you get rid of that pesky girlfriend. It was all in good fun to break the tension in those high stress restaurant days. Well on this particular day when he asked and i answered the typical "when you get rid of that pesky girlfriend" he retorted, "I got rid of her last week so when are we going out?" I stopped dead in my tracks and said the only thing i knew to say, "oh well i dont date boys i work with" Just an automatic response. he laughed and we carried on with our night. roughly 2 weeks later he asked me again and i laughed and said again i dont date boys i work with, to which he replied I know, and fridays my last day so are you free on Saturday. My jaw dropped, I couldnt believe it, I said back well i dont date guys who dont have jobs and he smiled and said, yea I know thats why I lined up a job before I put in my notice. I had no more, reasons to say no. So I said yes. There was the begining of the bar being raised. A boy quit his job to date me.
The spice of life
I like honesty, no like real this is who i am honesty. The deeper we go into this blog the deeper you will see i try my hardest to strip away
The funny thing about waiting for the call.
I briefly touched on this new fangled old fashioned thing I am doing in my love life in my last post, and tonight I thought I would talk more about it.
"I think you need to talk to my dad if you want to date me."
This is not a phrase you hear many people say anymore, I mean it is 2015. But that is the exact phrase I uttered not to long ago, from my thirty-two year old mouth. I know what your thinking, uhm AmyReneé there are easier ways to turn a guy down. But you need to know that 1) Even though those words came out of my mouth, I did not speak them. and 2) I did not want to turn this guy down.
I have had a different dating life than most, and I have a feeling in the next few weeks I will devulge more on that topic but tonight we will do a synopsis. I never went on one single date in highschool, my first date was when I was 20 years old, and I didnt go on another until I was 23, and that one was when i got my first kiss. About 3 months after that I started dating my first serious boyfriend and we dated for 4 years and near the end of that relationship I had decided for us when we were getting married, date and all. After that ended (badly) I didn't date again for 2 years. When I did start dating again I pressured it to be a serious relationship and it ended (badly). It would be another year and a half before I would think about actually dating, although I did take this time in my 30's to decide to kiss boys and try to play the 'game' that ended (badly) and I tried another serious relationship, but it didn't work out.
Through these failed relationships I had a list of rules, the infamous 10 rules for dating AmyReneé. The reason they are infamous is because none, not one of the guys I had serious relationships with actually fit those rules. I sat down after the last failed relationship and subsequent failed rebound, and thought what am I doing to myself. I can't pick and choose which rules can apply and which ones cant. I had these guidelines and ignored them so i could have companionship. I took a good long look at the list and realized that the first rule was really the only one that mattered, Must be actively pursuing a relationship with Christ, and that didnt matter just for him. That mattered for me too.
I sat in my house crying over this rejection of self. I had to become the girl I wanted to date.
I have always been pursuing a relationship with Christ. I am a christian and love Jesus. But sometimes more than not I wasnt active in my pursuit. I was so passive. I listened to Christian Music and went to Church on sundays I was off from work. I read my devotional when i had time. My friends knew where i stood on Christian subjects. But I was expecting Christ to do the work in me. I realized my pursuit was active when i needed it to be, and stalled when i neede dit to be. That is why I couldnt be at peace in my relationships
"I think you need to talk to my dad if you want to date me."
This is not a phrase you hear many people say anymore, I mean it is 2015. But that is the exact phrase I uttered not to long ago, from my thirty-two year old mouth. I know what your thinking, uhm AmyReneé there are easier ways to turn a guy down. But you need to know that 1) Even though those words came out of my mouth, I did not speak them. and 2) I did not want to turn this guy down.
I have had a different dating life than most, and I have a feeling in the next few weeks I will devulge more on that topic but tonight we will do a synopsis. I never went on one single date in highschool, my first date was when I was 20 years old, and I didnt go on another until I was 23, and that one was when i got my first kiss. About 3 months after that I started dating my first serious boyfriend and we dated for 4 years and near the end of that relationship I had decided for us when we were getting married, date and all. After that ended (badly) I didn't date again for 2 years. When I did start dating again I pressured it to be a serious relationship and it ended (badly). It would be another year and a half before I would think about actually dating, although I did take this time in my 30's to decide to kiss boys and try to play the 'game' that ended (badly) and I tried another serious relationship, but it didn't work out.
Through these failed relationships I had a list of rules, the infamous 10 rules for dating AmyReneé. The reason they are infamous is because none, not one of the guys I had serious relationships with actually fit those rules. I sat down after the last failed relationship and subsequent failed rebound, and thought what am I doing to myself. I can't pick and choose which rules can apply and which ones cant. I had these guidelines and ignored them so i could have companionship. I took a good long look at the list and realized that the first rule was really the only one that mattered, Must be actively pursuing a relationship with Christ, and that didnt matter just for him. That mattered for me too.
I sat in my house crying over this rejection of self. I had to become the girl I wanted to date.
I have always been pursuing a relationship with Christ. I am a christian and love Jesus. But sometimes more than not I wasnt active in my pursuit. I was so passive. I listened to Christian Music and went to Church on sundays I was off from work. I read my devotional when i had time. My friends knew where i stood on Christian subjects. But I was expecting Christ to do the work in me. I realized my pursuit was active when i needed it to be, and stalled when i neede dit to be. That is why I couldnt be at peace in my relationships
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)