I'm not completely to far gone where I just want to be someone else and I want to run from my convictions. Those days are actually pretty easy, disobedience contrary to popular belief is actually rather easy.
No today is a day that I understand my convictions, but I don't understand the process.
I've had a rough year so far. But an abundantly blessed year. I know sounds contradictory, but its not. I have a void in my life right now, my Aunt went home, I lost my job, and I had to say no to a relationship I really wanted. I'm in a new state of alone.
People talk about the "season of singleness", but what if that's not your season. What if that is your climate. I say that because I may not ever marry, and that is a hard thing to come to terms with. See I listed why I am having a hard year, because it all ties in. My aunt was more than an aunt to me. She was my person I could have talks with her that no one else understands. She lived in a climate of singleness, and when my brothers and sister in laws bombarded me with potential suitors she was the person I could turn to for advice. When my adult heart wrenched because another friend was having a baby, she was my person to seek comfort in. She was always able to have the words from Christ for that moment. When my heart was broken from another failed relationship, she new how to comfort me because she had been there too. When I was frustrated because I needed power tools for Christmas and I got cookware, we shared a silent smile of knowledge because being a lady on your own means sometimes you need boy gifts. When I thought I couldn't she was always a phone call away to tell me not only I could but these are the steps to do it. When I felt alone in a crowded room because everyone else had their spouses and children she would ask me for help, not because she needed it, but because she knew that pain of not being needed. She could relate, and oh how I miss having someone who could relate. I have single friends, but most of them don't live a life set apart. I am a foreigner, and she was somehow my experienced guide and I miss her.
my life preserver is some how looser now.
People talk about the "season of singleness" well I've been married since I was 18, married to my work. I love to be at work and working, and planning for what I will be doing tomorrow at work, and thinking of how I can make work better, and how I can make work easier for everyone, and work. Work, work, work. Its the piece that's wedged in me to keep the others from falling apart. I'm exceptionally good at what I do because, its my love. I currently don't have that pseudo spouse. it isn't as if I don't have enough to do, I have plenty of tasks, but I don't have love for these tasks. I have love for my craft. I am the person who says "doing what I love, and loving what I do" and means it. I have a void in my life.
People talk about the "season of singleness" But what they fail to mention is sometimes you have to choose that season against all of your wants and desires. I have no desire to be single. I was the little girl all the feminists hated as a child, ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and my answer was A wife and mother, in that order...and maybe a pediatrician if I could fit it in. I never thought I would be single and approaching mid thirties. Quite honestly in my plan I should have a 14 year old, a 12 year old, a 9 year old and a 5 year old. But I don't, and if I were completely honest with myself I probably never will. I recently had the chance to reignite a relationship that I really wanted, and again complete honesty do not understand why I'm being told no. I wouldn't say so much that I am trusting Christ as I would say I'm being obedient. I felt the holy spirit just as strongly as the day I accepted Christ telling me to not trust my own understanding and trust his plan. His plan includes my 32, almost 33 year old self giving consent to date over to my Father. Sure this sounds logical when you are in high school...but my dad doesn't pay for the roof over my head, or even the shampoo for my head. I am a fully functioning grown up, so why would the trinity decide I need to relinquish my executive power. I can not tell you. I am learning to submit to the umbrella of spiritual protection, much to the dismay of my wants and desires.
My heart is tired today. It does not want to be alone. I want nothing more than to crawl in bed and have tangible arms wrapped around me as I cry into a tangible shoulder and mourn. But instead I remember,
Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)
6 Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the Lord your God goes with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
And to some those might just be words from an outdated book, but for me those are the gentle whispering of my love, I will never leave you I will never forsake you. Those are words I can hear my Aunt Artie telling me, just remember my Amy in all ways submit.
So in this Season of extreme singleness, I am submitting and it is not to my own understanding. I am finding rest, because I know that whatever tomorrow holds my Christ will provide.
